Everyone Needs the Dominant/submissive Life
By Master Crius. 2015-07-10 10:00:26-04
Much of our adult life is spent struggling to find our fit within relationships at home and at work. We burn tremendous energy analyzing the words, scenarios, and decisions we must make in our relationships. “Will I come across too pushy?” “How do I let him know what I want?” “I know what I need but I don’t know if she’ll go for it.” “How do I get him to take control?” “Why am I always the one to initiate?” Likewise on the other side there is a person doing the same dance. We leave so much unspoken about our needs and our true selves that miscommunication and unhappiness follow.
Of course there are many factors in these mental tennis matches; the nature and history of the relationship, the natural and situational authority we have over someone else, the health and honesty of the pairing. One would expect that with the right amount of effort, these relationships would be beneficial, long lasting and open. However, this is not my observation. I believe the uncertainty in our approach in answering these questions corrodes relationships and prevents intimacy. Marriages collapse all too often for what seems like unexplained reasons. What happens? How do people get so out of alignment? What are they not saying to each other? What will it take for us to open up and be our true selves?
I believe the answers to these questions lie within our understanding of role clarity and the Dominant/submissive dynamic.
The Dominant/submissive world is no stranger to the topics in the BDSM erotic novels on the market today. If you are reading these posts regularly, you must have some interest in this lifestyle and strive to learn the right way to live in a D/s relationship not based on pop culture. Many of you may just be reading out of curiosity or haven’t yet made the leap. While you will find many variations, the base structure and norms of the D/s lifestyle can make a dramatic difference in the relationship you have with your spouse or significant other. Entering into the D/s world with your partner is an amazing way to open up and build real communication and cooperation. Even if you aren’t into the various forms of pain/pleasure in BDSM, the role clarity and negotiation of a Dominant/submissive relationship brings dialogue and discussion that takes a relationship to a new level.
Everyone needs the Dominant/submissive lifestyle and here’s why:
1. Setting boundariesWe all have them but we don’t talk about them. As a man, I have spent my life trying to figure out the boundaries of my sexual partners. It always felt as if I was pushing my own agenda; sometimes with women willing and sometimes with women unwilling. “What does she really want?” “What emotional bruises does she have from some past lover that I don’t want to touch?” “How far do I push her until she says no?” We learn so much through trial and error without words ever being spoken. Both parties end up dissatisfied or quietly settling for things as they are. Having a more direct conversation about what you want to do, how far you think you want to go, and what role you want to play frees both parties to act. How many couples do you know that sit down and draw up a written document about their sexual desires and limits? I bet the answer is not many or more likely, none. However it can be a powerful tool in creating dialogue and getting what you want.
2. Finding your power dynamicPower doesn’t exist to force an agenda. Positive power exists only in balance. If someone takes power, someone else must compromise and relinquish power. When one unyielding power goes against another, nothing is accomplished. It is this dance that requires work and openness. Most couples continue this dance without knowing who is leading. In the end, neither gets what they want. This power struggle doesn’t just relate to sex. It can be for any shared decision or activity in a couple’s life. Role-based dynamics and decision making can change in many ways depending the topic or nature of the decision. Whether it is financial, social or sexual, the dominant party in one may not be the same as another. For example, I drive our sexual agenda without question but my wife is the lead on the design and colors in our house. She loves me to lead her sexually and I have no desire or talent to design the look and feel of our home. In both situations power is shared to a 100% level. I have agreed to follow her lead and she has agreed to follow mine. 3. Following one’s true nature
3. Each of us have a true self
One that is open and honest and knows its strengths and weaknesses. One that can articulate needs and desires clearly without facades or masks. I find this is a crucial step in entering a D/s relationship and making it work. It is also the thing I see the least in vanilla couples around me. Are you someone that wants to be driven sexually by another or do you want to be in charge? Do you wish your spouse would suggest sexual situations for you to participate in? Or do you find yourself the aggressor? Are these missed expectations often frustrating? These are all symptoms of a lack of role clarity and communication. If you are often the person in the relationship that leads and you get energy out of being in charge, I would suggest that, at least sexually, you are a natural Dominant. If you enjoy your sexual time together but prefer to participate in your spouse’s agenda, perhaps you are naturally submissive.
I want you to take action. Find the places in your life where you feel these gray areas exist, decide if they are important to you, and then act on them. Here are some practical suggestions for getting started:
Realizing and communicating these tendencies to each other could make all the difference. You are both articulating your who you are, the role you fill, and at the same time, giving each other permission to fill them. This clarity and freedom is empowering.
I want you to take action. Find the places in your life where you feel these gray areas exist, decide if they are important to you, and then act on them. Here are some practical suggestions for getting started:
- Look for the gray areas – Where are those places where you find the most conflict or the most anxiety between you two and drill down deep. This is where the self-discovery starts.
- Find your true motivation – Why is this specific thing hard on one or both of you? Be 100% honest with yourself.
- Envision the future – What would bring you peace and fulfillment? What role do you want in this area?
- Get specific – Discuss the details and put them down on paper. This will give you a reflection point down the road.
Everyone needs the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It offers such amazing insight and opportunity to healthy couples wishing to fulfill their potential. Lack of role clarity, on the other hand, creates opportunity for walls to be built and frustration to build. First learning about self and then opening up to our spouse provides freedom and empowerment. It allows us to act in ways that fit our true selves and the nature of our relationship. We are free to participate in decisions without the dance between what we want and what we say we want. With those bases established, we can get on to much more fun things!
- Go for it – Embrace your relationship and push to be something better. If you made it this far, it will be worth it.
In love and pain,Master Crius
Master Crius is a new member to the community and in his first year as a Dominant.He lives with his submissive (his wife) and 3 kids in the sleepy Midwest.
